Should i avoid my relative in this case?

Answer (based on Hanbali Fiqh and the Salaf Scholars)

In the name of Allah, the Most Gracious, the Most Merciful. All praise is due to Allah, and blessings and peace be upon His Messenger Muhammad, his family, and his Companions.

Your situation is very difficult—being harmed by close relatives, especially those who envy you and cause anxiety attacks upon seeing them, is a severe test. You must balance the Islamic obligations of family ties (ṣilat al-raḥim) and protecting your own well-being. The scholars we follow (Ibn Taymiyyah, Ibn Qayyim, Ibn Bāz, al-Albānī, Ibn ʿUthaymīn, al-Fawzān) have given clear guidance on this.

1. The Obligation of Family Ties (Ṣilat al-Raḥim)

The Qur’an and Sunnah command maintaining ties with relatives, even if they are unjust. Allah says:

"And fear Allah, through whom you ask one another, and the wombs (i.e., family ties). Indeed, Allah is ever over you an Observer." (Qur’an 4:1)

The Prophet ﷺ said:

"The person who perfectly maintains the ties of kinship is not the one who does so because of a recompense from his relatives, but the one who, when his relatives cut him off, he maintains the ties." (Bukhari, no. 5991)

Ibn Taymiyyah (رحمه الله) stated:

"Maintaining ties of kinship is obligatory, and it does not become permissible to cut them off even if the relatives are sinful or unjust, unless there is a greater harm." (Majmūʿ al-Fatāwā, 28/21)

However, this does not mean you must expose yourself to constant harm, anxiety, or backbiting.

2. Permissibility of Limiting Contact Due to Harm

Shaykh al-Islām Ibn Taymiyyah (رحمه الله) also said:

"If a person’s relatives harm him or cause corruption in his religion or worldly affairs, he may avoid them while still fulfilling the minimum obligation of keeping ties—such as greeting them or visiting rarely. He is not commanded to put himself in harm’s way." (al-Ikhtiyārāt al-Fiqhiyyah, p. 457)

Ibn al-Qayyim (رحمه الله) explained:

"If a relative harms you by backbiting, envy, or causing distress, and you cannot reform them, then the best course is to keep away while still maintaining the least form of connection—like a polite greeting and leaving quickly. This is not cutting ties; it is self-preservation." (Zād al-Maʿād, 2/42)

Shaykh ʿAbd al-ʿAzīz ibn Bāz (رحمه الله) was asked about a relative who harms and backbites. He replied:

"If you greet them and say a kind word, then leave to protect yourself from their evil while still fulfilling the obligation of ṣilat al-raḥim, this is permissible. You are not required to stay and be harmed." (Fatāwā Nūr ʿalā al-Darb)

Shaykh Muḥammad ibn Ṣāliḥ al-ʿUthaymīn (رحمه الله) said:

"If seeing them causes you anxiety or psychological harm, you may reduce contact to the minimum—like a phone call or a brief greeting—and avoid gatherings where they are present if it worsens your condition. This is not severing ties; it is protecting your health." (Sharḥ Riyāḍ al-Ṣāliḥīn, 1/109)

Shaykh al-Albānī (رحمه الله) emphasized:

"The prohibition of cutting ties applies to complete abandonment without any communication. If you greet them and fulfill the minimal link, you are not sinful." (Silsilat al-Aḥādīth al-Ṣaḥīḥa, no. 895)

3. Your Case: Anxiety Attacks and Crying

When seeing them or even remembering them causes you anxiety attacks and crying, this is a clear sign of psychological harm. Islam does not require you to endure such severe distress. The Prophet ﷺ said:

"There should be no harming nor reciprocating harm." (Ibn Mājah, no. 2341, authenticated by al-Albānī)

Shaykh Ṣāliḥ al-Fawzān (حفظه الله) stated:

"If a relative harms you, you may avoid them as long as you still maintain the minimum connection—like sending a greeting or visiting occasionally. Your intention should be to protect your religion and well-being, not hatred." (al-Muntaqā min Fatāwā al-Fawzān, 2/156)

4. Practical Steps (Recommended Action)

Based on the above, here is what you should do:

1. Maintain the minimum Islamic tie: In gatherings, simply say "Assalamu alaykum" and ask "How are you?" briefly, then excuse yourself and avoid prolonged interaction. This fulfills the obligation without causing you harm.

2. Avoid being alone with them: If they are present at a family event, sit at a distance, speak only when necessary, and leave early if the anxiety becomes overwhelming.

3. Do not completely sever ties: That would be a major sin (cutting kinship ties is one of the greatest sins – Bukhari). But extreme avoidance with a polite greeting is not considered severing.

4. Make duʿā’ for yourself and for them: Ask Allah to remove their envy and to protect you. The Prophet ﷺ taught: "O Allah, I seek refuge in You from anxiety and grief..." (Bukhari). Also recite the morning and evening adhkār (e.g., Āyat al-Kursī, al-Muʿawwidhāt) to protect yourself from their evil.

5. Seek professional help if needed: Your anxiety attacks are a valid health concern. It is permissible to consult a therapist or doctor while keeping your Islamic values.

5. Do Not Feel Guilty

You are not sinning by limiting contact for the sake of your mental health. The Prophet ﷺ himself avoided some relatives when they harmed him, yet he did not cut ties completely. For example, his uncle Abū Lahab was a relative, yet the Prophet ﷺ avoided him while still acknowledging the relationship.

Ibn al-Qayyim (رحمه الله) concluded:

"The one who avoids harm from relatives while still greeting them and fulfilling the minimum requirement is better than the one who stays and suffers harm, because the latter may fall into anger, hatred, or sin." (Miftāḥ Dār al-Saʿādah, 1/377)

Summary

| Action | Ruling | Explanation | |--------|--------|-------------| | Complete cutting off ties (no greeting, no contact) | Harām (major sin) | This severs kinship, which Allah curses. | | Maintaining minimal connection (greeting, brief talk, then leaving) | Permissible and recommended | Fulfills obligation while protecting yourself. | | Avoiding gatherings where they are present entirely | Permissible if it causes severe anxiety | You may skip family events if the harm is great, but try to send a message or call instead. |

Final advice: Keep the relationship at a "cold but polite" level. Greet them, ask once, then move away. Pray for them to be guided. Focus on your own healing, and trust that Allah will give you patience and reward. You are not required to please them at the cost of your own health.

And Allah knows best.